Welcome to Mar-A-Lago and our mid-winter budget fundraiser. We’ve decided to forgo the usual catering and instead you’ll all find a “Blue Apron” and an “America’s Harvest” box under your seat. We’re testing them out. You can have “cook” prepare your meals later.
I’ve gotten a lot of blowback on my budget plan, and especially about infrastructure.
I’ve explained to the little people we can’t possibly whittle away at your new tax cut to pay for their bridges and tunnels. We know most of you don’t even use roads — you use helicopters and jets, so why should you pay? But maybe once you see some of these items you may want to bid in the silent auction:
Steve Bannon makeover! Ladies, we know you’ve been mentally making him over since the first time you saw him, I know I have. Don’t miss your chance to change everything about him, except his skin tone and ideology.
From the governor of Puerto Rico: Candlelit dinner for two — not just Valentine’s Day, but really, any night of the week, anywhere.
From the Department of Agriculture, and ICE: Pick a state’s fresh fruits and vegetables for the rest year! That sounds like fun. I used to love apple picking as a kid. Well, I’d tell the servants which ones I wanted and they’d pick them for me.
From Snowboarder Shaun White — incidentally, Jeff Session’s favorite Olympian: Lessons in “Good Grabs,” “SwitchLips,” and “Tail bonks.” Are we sure those aren’t from the White House guys we just fired?
From my good friend Quincy Jones: A great guy, not just because it’s African American history month, every month. We have a lot in common. We’re shy; it takes a lot to get us to open up. And we both know how hot my daughter Ivanka is. Quincy is going to tell one lucky bidder who shot Tupac, whoever that is.
Mystery ambassador: Pack your bags, show up at the airport, get ready to formulate policy, assist countrymen in distress and boss around a housekeeper and driver as an official ambassador for the week! You’ll have top security clearance, an office, and you can park anywhere you’d like in your new country. You may not know how to do any of these things. So what? We’re all flying blind! Offer not good for North Korea.
From the good folks at the Department of the Interior: Do you have a favorite furry creature? We will name an endangered animal after you at the national park of your choosing! Oh, this is a two-fer. From the Department of Fish and Game: They will auction off the right to shoot a furry creature named for a human to the highest bidder. Where’s Don Jr.? I expect him to bid!
Finally, Advanced Spinning:. The incomparable Kellyanne Conway will show up at your home or office and make excuses for anything you may have done wrong, personally or professionally. Not available to current or recently departed members of this administration.Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHad Typed.