Love Letters

My partner and I have bedroom problems

And I’m not talking about sex.

Submit your questions for Meredith here.

Q. Meredith,

I am dating a really nice guy. We are very much on the same page about taking things slow in our relationship. We have amazing sex, we seem to be building a fabulous friendship, and enjoy each other’s company. Everything is just as it should be in our relationship.

However, we can’t sleep together. I literally mean sleep. Prior to our relationship of six months, he was used to sleeping alone. At 6 feet 3 inches and 260 pounds, he is twice my size, and he hogs the entire king-size bed. Sometimes I find myself nearly falling off the bed, or sleeping in awkward positions. Waking him up all night to move over causes him to be a little crabby the next day. Then there’s the fact that when I finally do sleep, I snore — the ugly loud kind. He has put in earplugs and that helps some, but it still causes him to not sleep restfully.


It’s too bad that every part of our relationship seems to be growing into something very special — except for sleeping together. It’s something that has both of us very frustrated. How important is sleeping together in a relationship?

— Wide Awake

Get Today's Headlines in your inbox:
The day's top stories delivered every morning.
Thank you for signing up! Sign up for more newsletters here

A. Sharing a bed to sleep is not an essential part of intimacy. I imagine that many of the coupled people who comment [on this letter] will tell you they don’t always retire for the night right next to their partners, spooning them like they’re in a movie. Some couples share a bed but go to sleep at entirely different times just to avoid each other’s snoring/rolling/tossing/talking/turning.

If your hours asleep are the most troubling part of the relationship right now, you’re in very good shape. Also, I’m sure the person you’re dating has had this issue before — with others. Perhaps it’s worth having a candid talk with him about how he’d like to make this work.

There’s so much pressure for couples — especially new couples — to do things a certain way. To fall asleep together. To buy a certain kind of gift on Valentine’s Day. If you treat each other with respect and figure out what makes you both happy — on your own terms — you’re doing the relationship right, I swear. Even if it means you’re on a pullout couch in another room.

— Meredith


My husband and I have been together for 14 years and we still have issues at times with space, snoring . . . . Perhaps your boyfriend needs to just be more aware of his bed hogging (my husband is also 6 foot 3 and a swift kick usually gets him to move over). We also have a king bed, but I bought a larger Cali king comforter and top sheet just so there is less of a tug of war going on with the covers. HAPPYDAZED


My wife used to take karate lessons three or four nights a week and while dreaming she kicked me. INCITATUS

Oh, please! This is a problem? Separate bedrooms. Problem solved. It’s not important to sleep next to each other after you do the deed. A good night’s sleep is more important, you will both live longer for it. GONETOTHEDOGS39

Meredith Goldstein is in her 10th year of writing Love Letters. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from Send letters to