Love Letters

My fiancé doesn’t know how to be alone

He has to constantly be with people when I am not around, and then I feel excluded.

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Q. My fiancé and I have pretty independent lives. I work six to seven days of the week, and he is off on Fridays and Saturdays.

I feel that my fiancé is unable to do things on his own and craves being around people. He can’t even sit and watch a movie on his own. Every Friday, he goes to see his best friend, the friend’s wife, and their new baby. Then we all do something together on the Saturday — but they all talk about things from Friday, and it really makes me feel left out. I suppose I would have less of a problem if it was just his friend that he was seeing . Is it wrong for me to be upset or angry that he doesn’t try to make an effort to make a plan where I am included?

Those friends are more independent and can easily go without seeing him for weeks on end, but he seems lost without them. I don’t want to be the horrible fiancé and say that I don’t want him to see them anymore. But I just feel that some weekends he can make the sacrifice and not go to them, and that he can wait until we can go as a couple.

— Friends


A. You don’t win much by setting rules about who your fiancé can see and when. It’s more productive to talk about your feelings and to give him the chance to help you feel more included.

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But before you do, please understand that your fiancé is a social person who doesn’t want to stay home alone just to prove he can. That’s OK. Also, he clearly loves being part of this friend’s family. There is nothing wrong with that.

The issue here is that the bond he has with this couple sometimes feels stronger than the one he has with you, right? He’s probably known them longer. They have history. That means instead of feeling like the partner, you become the guest.

Talk to your fiancé about this, but know that the answer isn’t “stay home and wait for me.” A better solution might be balance. Maybe it would be help to spend time with people in your life, too. You’d both benefit from making new memories with a variety of people. Saturdays can be reserved for a change of scenery.

— Meredith


Change your work situation to one that better fits you. GBREAULT85


This letter from the other side: “Hi, I have a fiancée, but I often feel like I don’t. She’s never around; she works all the time. It’s isolating and lonely, so I visit some friends once a week or so to keep from going stir-crazy.” MABBITTY

Maybe you’d be happier if he went out for drinks on Friday with his female co-workers. BRIAN9988

I wish I had friends that wanted to see me every Friday. GRETCHYNN

They have an infant, and your fiancé is showing up to their house every single weekend? I think it’s his friends who need to write to an advice columnist. Good gravy, as a new mom, that would drive me crazy. ENJOYEVERYSANDWICH

Meredith Goldstein is in her 10th year of writing Love Letters.