Q. Hi Meredith,
I have been lucky enough to fall in love with an incredible woman. She is affectionate, sweet to me, and keeps me interested. The only problem I’m having is she has a very large number of ex-lovers, many of whom are still part of her friend group. At first I didn’t think this would affect me, but as time has gone by, I have felt more uncomfortable with the situation.
I really love this girl, but the number of people she has slept with and the close proximity of many of them has been difficult to deal with. I am not judging her for how many people she has slept with, let me make that clear. I just want to know how to come to terms with this kind of thing. I really want to be with this girl, so I’d love some advice on how to deal with this since there isn’t much out there.
– Lovers I Don’t Want to Know
A.“I am not judging her for how many people she has slept with . . . ”
First, make sure that’s true. If this is going to work, you’ll have to get that kind of jealousy and judgment out of your brain. She had a life before you, and you’re lucky she did. If she hadn’t had those other experiences, she would have never found her way to this relationship.
As for the proximity of these people in her life, well, this is what you signed up for. She has history with some of her friends. You’re either open to dating her as she is — or not.
The big thing, I think, is to give this more time. The longer you’re together, the more chances you’ll have to see why she maintains these friendships and what makes you different from other people in her life. Months from now, you should have new relationship questions. Your feelings about this particular issue will change as the relationship grows.
It’s possible, by the way, that some of your discomfort has more to do with the fear of losing her — because you’ve realized you’re in love with her. Time will help with that, too. Give her the chance to keep showing up.
You either embrace people for who they are or you move on. It’s not really difficult. JDROTTEN
I know a man that harped on this stuff incessantly with his wife, demanding old photos be thrown away and people unfriended on social media. He’s now single and living back with his parents.
“I am not judging her for how many people she has slept with, let me make that clear.”Yes you are. CRUCIFIEDZEOFF
I am an ex-lover who’s still part of a friend group with my ex. She and I aren’t very friendly, but we are each friendly with others in the same circle, and I’m friendly with her current boyfriend. It IS a weird dynamic. I used to be jealous . . . and I know that the current bf was wary of me for a while. It comes down to what SHE wants. She doesn’t want me any more. BLISTERED-TOE
The best way to deal with insecurity is not to try to convince yourself that the relationship is going to last forever (or that the person will never cheat, etc.). The best solution is to know that whatever happens, you’ll be OK. TWO-SHEDS