Q. Dear Meredith,
I was in a relationship for eight years. It began in our hometown and we moved to another state. We went through a rough, prolonged breakup, and I returned to our hometown. After about a year, I found a new love. I’ve been in this relationship for a little over a year, and I’m pregnant. I’m very much in love with my boyfriend.
But my ex has moved back and wants to get back together. I made it clear I was enjoying my new relationship, but no matter what I said during our conversation, he was sure I would go back to him. I did not tell him I’m pregnant; I guess I thought about how hurt he would be. And after he came over to spill his feelings, I just couldn’t say the words.
Now I’m not sure how to go about ripping off the Band-Aid, especially since I missed my prime opportunity. I’m very wrong in my decision to have kept quiet . . . and I’m not sure what it is I am afraid of. Even if things did not work out in my current relationship, I would not get back with my ex. When I closed that door, I had no intention of re-opening it.
– Moved On
A. You missed one opportunity to tell your ex the big news, but there will be more. You weren’t ready to share during that particular moment — and that’s OK.
You said it best: Even if this new relationship fails, you don’t want to reunite with him. It’s not as though the baby is the reason you aren’t together. All you owed him in that moment was the clarity of a “no” and it sounds like you gave it to him.
It’s possible you don’t want to tell him about the pregnancy in person. Send him an e-mail with the news if that’s less daunting. You can tell him you hope you were clear during his visit, and that as much as you want him to be happy, you’ve moved on and have new priorities.
Just know that you don’t have to send some big apology. You wrote in your letter that you were “very wrong” to keep quiet, but that’s not true. He’s your ex, and this is your news to share — whenever it feels right.
I do not think you were wrong to keep quiet at all. You do not owe your ex anything. This is your exciting news to share and for you to share at your own pace and comfort level. ZIPPYZAPPY123
You don’t need to tell him anything, it’s none of his business. CONCERNEDCITIZENONDUTY
Maybe it would help him if he were to be hurt . . . then he would stop being delusional in thinking she’d go back with him. MIKELT
No means no, whether you’re pregnant, married, or leaving for an exploratory trip to Mars. You don’t want to get back together, and that’s enough of a reason. WIZEN
You actually don’t have to “tell” anyone . . . just give it some time and it’ll become quite evident. MCDIMMERSON
boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org.