Miss Conduct

Advice: How does a fortysomething make friends in Boston?

A newcomer from a small town is tired of getting the cold shoulder. Miss Conduct sorts it out.

I moved to the city for a job, leaving my small town and friends. I am finding it difficult to make friends here. It seems people are married or retired and not open to making friends with a fortysomething never-married. I have tried volunteering and church, where I get ignored. Neighbors act as if I’m crazy to approach them. I know I don’t have big-city polish. What can I do to improve my social life? I am truly miserable.

L.N. / West Roxbury

I’m so sorry. It’s hard, it really is, and you mustn’t blame yourself. The 40s are a squeezed decade, with family and work responsibilities at their peak. People ought to be polite — and a Miss Conduct side-eye to your neighbors if they aren’t — but it isn’t that you’re being evaluated and found wanting. It’s that you’re running into people maxed out on friends, family, and community.

Don’t try to make friends with everyone you encounter — go seek your tribe. It’s out there. Look at Meetup, Craigslist, dating sites with “just friends” options, or locally based support-hobby-political-whatever groups on Facebook. Go to events and introduce yourself. I bet you have all the polish you need to succeed in the big city (really — we think Dansko clogs are formal footwear around here). The big-city/small-town difference isn’t about sophistication, it’s about options. Small towners tend to make friends with everyone because it’s hard to avoid people. City folk know they can’t make friends with everyone.

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Getting to the eye-contact stage can be a challenge, but from eye contact to a serious, wide-ranging conversation can be a short distance in Boston. For your ongoing real-world interactions, prioritize chances to make friends. Church-shop if the one you’re attending is unwelcoming. Volunteer where you can get to know other volunteers, rather than engaging in one-off interactions. Think about a dog, the best way to meet neighbors.

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And don’t be afraid to lean on your old friends for support. If a voice in your head says doing so means you will never feel at home in Boston, it is your mother’s, when you left for college. She was correct then, but you are not 17, and grown-ups don’t get to live in dorms. You can’t do without emotional support for as long as it might take to make Boston your home.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.

WHAT MOMENTS AT HOME OR WORK LEFT YOU FEELING AWKWARD? Send your questions to Miss Conduct at [email protected].