Love Letters

My guy is hanging onto a racy gift from his ex

They’ve moved in together. How worried should she be about finding a sexy book from his old girlfriend?

Q. Dear Meredith, I recently moved in with my boyfriend in Boston after dating long-distance (with almost weekly visits) for about a year. We’re both in our 30s. I made a big leap of faith in moving to Boston to give this relationship a real chance. In helping him straighten up and make room for me, I’ve come across a card from his most recent ex and a book she gave him for Valentine’s Day, an illustrated manual of sexual positions.

I didn’t tell him that I saw these things because I was embarrassed to admit that I opened the book and saw the inscription and took the card out of its envelope to see who it was from. I also don’t want him to throw these things away or hide them just because they bother me. I really want to know if he’s still hung up on her. The placement of these items indicates that they aren’t long forgotten. I thought it was really sweet when he would keep our ticket stubs and the cards I’ve given him but now feel less special seeing that he still wants to keep her stuff, too.

I know you’re going to advise me to confess to being nosy and to talk to him about it. But I feel that won’t help, because even if he throws the stuff away, it will just be to keep me from nagging, and I will still feel jealous and insecure.

 –  Second-guessing my leap of faith

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A. Yes, I’m going to suggest having a talk — but not a big one. There’s no need to ask “Do you still love her?” with one tear rolling down your cheek. The talk should be quick, something like “Hey, I got excited when I saw your sex book — then I opened it and saw who it was from. Do you mind if we keep ex-girlfriend gifts on a lower shelf?”

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It’s not a big request. His answer should tell you plenty about how attached he is to her/these items.

The good news is you don’t have to feel like a snoop when you tell him you opened the illustrated sex manual. When one finds such a book, the first instinct is to open it and look inside. That’s what illustrated sex manuals are for.

My guess is that the items around the apartment do not suggest that your boyfriend is hung up on anything. He’s left this stuff around his place without thinking about where they belong or who might find them. If he were hiding them in a secret box in the closet labeled “sad feelings,” I’d be more concerned.

— Meredith

READERS RESPOND

Name of the manual and author please?

PATSFAN79

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Have you found any earrings that aren’t yours? Seriously, how recent is the ex? I think gifts like a sex book should be returned to the giver when the relationship ends.

URKIDDINGME

I disagree with Meredith. This does not require a “talk.” This requires you learning to deal with the fact that people have pasts and they are allowed to get over things in their own time.

THATJNEENGRRL

Meredith thinks EVERYTHING requires a “talk.”

CRUCIFIEDZEOFF

She’s an ex. If he wanted her, he’d still be with her. He chose you, my dear.

WRANGLERJANE

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to [email protected].