The White House may be struggling with which Fox News host or direct family member or Kid Rock to install as its next chief of staff, but in the meantime I’d like to congratulate them on their apparent new hire in the Department of Homeland Security, who from the looks of it is either Tarzan or Frankenstein. “DHS is committed to building wall and building wall quickly,” reads a newly posted memo, announcing plans for a 30-foot border wall. “Prior to President Trump taking office, we have never built wall that high.” It true, wall never build so high! Asked when the wall would be completed, DHS spokesman Animal from the Muppets said, “AAAAHHG YAAH YAHH AAARRGH.” Me think that sound optimistic.
It’s been a topic of global controversy since an unearthed piece of footage started making the rounds online, but just to clear up any confusion and dispel any misinformation that could come back to bite us, let it be known that if you’re going to serve your “award-winning” chicken to Oprah Winfrey, you’d better put some salt and pepper on it for Gayle’s sake! In response to a viral clip that caught her visibly struggling to praise (and/or swallow) an S&P-free chicken dish that earned one of her guests a $1 million prize, Winfrey tweeted her own response video in which, without getting too salty, she politely acknowledged that, yes, basic seasoning might be good when it comes to food. And if you reach under your seat, you’ll find she’s left us all a bottle of Mrs. Dash as a parting gift. It’s not there? Weird. Check the dog maybe?
Back in the Oval Office, an on-camera meeting between President Trump, soon-to-be-Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer turned fiery and contentious this week, as Trump threatened a government shutdown over a dispute about border wall funding, and . . . wait a minute. I am so sorry. I completely forgot to mention Vice President Mike Pence, who was absolutely there (I think?), but who suffered through the proceedings with his eyes closed and his body slouched over in his chair like a puppet abandoned by its arm. Twitter was left to fantasize about what Pence was fantasizing about the whole time; and while the mind races, I’m going to guess unseasoned chicken.
There are only a few days remaining in the year, but if you were looking for an official mascot for 2018, I need you to forget about Gritty for a second because we have a new literal frontrunner. Defending his title in the U23 race at the SPAR European Cross Country Championships, long-distance runner Jimmy Gressier spectacularly face-planted into the mud, right at the finish line. He won his race, but more importantly, he won the hearts of the Internet, who saw in Jimmy a new hero for our times. Or maybe a new chief of staff. (Please, anyone but Jared, please?)