Christmas shopping is hard.
Just ask Peloton, makers of the extravagantly expensive exercise bike that yells at you or whatever (I’m still not sure what all it does). They try to make a perfectly nice holiday commercial about a husband who buys his wife a $2,500 exercycle and either does or does not handcuff her to it, it’s not entirely clear, and the Internet is up in arms.
Look, I bought my wife a bike one year. I can’t remember whether it was a Christmas or birthday present but she said she liked it and put it in the garage like a normal person, where it still hangs today. What she did not do is make this face, like “Grace from Boston” in the Peloton ad:
Set aside all the back-and-forth about whether you should get someone unrequested fitness gear for the holidays. Pump the brakes for a moment on the questions of body shaming. If I spent nearly three grand on a Christmas present — any Christmas present — that caused my wife to look at me like this:
. . . well, I’d be planning for a real lonely January.
Like I said, gifts are hard. So what DO you get that special someone we all have in our lives that won’t somehow turn out to be offensive to Internet busybodies? Well, it really depends what type of person they are . . .
For the Orange Line commuter who left work four days ago and still isn’t home
Don’t you hate it when your husband is heading home from work on the Orange Line and one delay leads to another until he ends up living for days in a subterranean society that has formed somewhere below Haymarket, trapping and roasting rats over an electrical fire? Well for the low, low price of $2 billion, you can own 252 new Orange and Red Line cars of your very own! Spoiler alert: They still won’t work right.
For the governor who really, really doesn’t want to take the T
A Lexus with a big red bow on top is so 2007 — and besides, even the fanciest car is going to get stuck in traffic on the way in from Swampscott. Instead, just imagine the look on legislators’ faces when the chief executive alights gracefully at the State House wearing his brand new experimental jetpack?
For the billionaire who is beginning to realize he won’t become president
Billionaires sure are hard to shop for, aren’t they? A Starbucks gift card just isn’t going to cut it for the guy who literally used to run Starbucks. No, the next best thing to leadership of the free world is, of course, a private army of Boston Dynamics Spot robots that will follow your every command without making ridiculous demands for food, water, or a living wage. Finally, an unholy army of the night that doesn’t need overtime and won’t try to (gasp) unionize!
For the ageless quarterback whose offense is uncharacteristically impotent
at the moment
He’s already got all the electrolyte powder and special pajamas an extremely pliable 42-year-old dad could want. But does he have the Soji Black Obsidian Crystal Elixir Water Bottle ($94) that “shields against psychic attack, mental stress, and tension?” OK, he probably does. But this way he can have one for home and one for the sideline. If it can “block all forms of negativity,” maybe it can help block outside linebackers, too.
For your favorite Duxbury watersports enthusiast
You know how it is: After a long summer day paddling along High Pines, it’s hard to hoist your kayak onto the roof of your Mercedes. So you leave the watercraft under a nearby tree. But soon it’s winter and the local police are practically begging everyone to pick up their kayaks. Well, with a lightweight, foldable kayak like this one, you’ll never have to worry about leaving your expensive junk all over town again. And for the low, low price of $2,299, it’s practically disposable anyway. . . . Right?
For the soon-to-be-former mayor facing federal fraud and extortion charges
A one-way bus ticket from Fall River to South Bend, Ind., where he can just start showing up for work at City Hall before Mayor Pete’s replacement takes office and hope nobody notices.
For the North Korean dictator you thought was your pal but might actually be kind of a lunatic
We’ve all been there: You find out someone unexpected is giving you a gift and now you have to get one for him! How much should you spend? Can you just regift that Peloton your husband got you? What if the gift is actually thermonuclear annihilation? Well, you’ve always talked about becoming golf buddies, so how about a gold-plated Maruman Prestigio X driver ($2,199.99) with a Seven Dreamers Custom Design Carbon shaft? ($2,399.99). Just don’t tell him it’s made in Japan.
MORE:firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter @NestorARamos.