Q. I am currently in a three-year relationship and everything is great. I have no issues with my significant other . . . but one day he told me that he would be seeing a friend from his college years. He told me he’d courted this girl, but she wasn’t interested. They’ve been friends since then, and the girl is in a relationship right now.
Still, I am kind of jealous thinking about how they will go out together — just the two of them. Am I just overreacting? I do not want to disclose my feelings of jealousy to him because I’ve told him about these kinds of feelings before. Should I talk to him about it? What should I do?
A. Here’s a thing to know: Jealousy is a pretty normal and common feeling. It’s OK to experience it — as long as you don’t let it destroy a good thing. It’s totally normal to feel a little strange about your partner seeing a woman he once courted. Why wouldn’t you?
You can experience bad feelings and move on from them by reminding yourself that if your partner was interested in a cheat, he probably wouldn’t be telling you about his history with this woman. He’s being transparent, which is great. You’re in the loop, which says a lot about your relationship.
I’m sure you’ve been on outings with people who make your significant other jealous. Just take a deep breath and keep your brain busy with other things. Instead of talking about it, give the air time to something else.
I don’t know if there is nothing to worry about, but she should probably wait until the get-together happens before she decides there is something to be jealous over. Then she’ll know if he’s still pining away and if the friend has changed her mind.
More info required. Where are boyfriend and courted meeting? Coffee at Dunkin’? At l’Espalier for a seven-course dinner? Context matters.
No, this does not require a talk. He already talked to you about it, and if you backtrack on this now and try to make him feel bad about something that isn’t wrong, he’s liable to start hiding these things from you in the future just to avoid the conflict. Like Mere said, it’s normal to feel jealous, as long as that doesn’t eat away at you. So don’t let it. Find something fun (and not dumb) to do on that night, and have a great time with your friends.
“Jealousy is a pretty normal and common feeling. . . . I’m sure you’ve been on plenty of outings with people who make your significant other jealous. “ I don’t like Meredith’s advice today (and I usually do!). I dunno. . . . I think if both sides of a couple are sitting around feeling jealous of each other and who they’re spending time with, they’re doing something wrong. Especially an established couple who have been together for three years. But that’s just me.
Yup. Jealousy occurs, but I don’t know how “normal” or “common” it is.
We can’t be happy all the time, and sometimes we rehash old feelings out of habit or insecurity; learning not to dwell on them takes practice. I wouldn’t take this as a sign the letter writer is fruit-loops or the relationship is doomed.
If everything is truly great in your relationship, this jealousy is a symptom of your own insecurities and it’s not right to project that onto him; work it out on your own. If you do share your problem with him, don’t do it until after the lunch. No sense in prematurely making him feel like he has to choose between you and his friends.
Go do something with your own friends while he’s out seeing this old college friend. Then go home and crawl into bed with him and stop worrying about a problem that doesn’t exist.