Q. I’ve been involved with this guy for about a year now and it’s been fairly confusing to say the least. We definitely have a connection; we’re always there when we need each other, we FaceTime every night, we hold hands and sometimes cuddle, and we’ve hooked up before (twice).
I really feel like he might be the one. The issue comes when I try to take it from this confusing middle ground to dating or exclusivity. I’ve only suggested it twice, but both times he said he felt like we do what we do because we’re “comfortable.” He always tries to look at it from a logical standpoint rather than an emotional one.
Recently, though, he mentioned how he’s been more aware of his feelings, and admitted that he didn’t pay attention to them before.
Do you think it’s worth trying to talk to him about this? Or should I just try to move on?
A. You’ve hooked up twice . . . in a year? And you’ve put up with confusing cuddling when you’ve wanted so much more?
That won’t do. Unrequited love and longing take a toll after a while. If this man doesn’t want to go all in as a romantic partner, you shouldn’t be FaceTiming him every night and treating him like a boyfriend. It’s interesting that he talks about comfort, because it sounds like he’s the only one who’s been comfortable.
You should talk to him about what you want and whether he’s interested — because it sounds like you do need some final answers. If his priorities haven’t changed in a very specific and clear way, start moving on and thinking about how you’ll meet the person who wants to be all in for real.
What on earth do you FaceTime about every night??
You should talk to him, and if after that talk you are not less confused, you should move on. Don’t let this string along. Also, get that notion of “he might be the one” out of your head. That shouldn’t factor into any decision you make at this time.
You pin all your confusion on him, but you need to take ownership of your actions, wants, and needs. Make your life look like you want it to. If your current situation doesn’t mirror that, then it’s time to find a boyfriend, because you clearly want one.
You’ve been involved for a year, you’ve only hooked up twice in that year, and when you’ve pushed for exclusivity he has turned you down gently. Letter writer, he doesn’t want more. He’s said so. From your own description, you’re not even dating — it sounds more like a friendship that has gotten physical twice. You need to figure out why you could think that someone who is so clearly not interested in you that way could possibly be the one. Get a good therapist, get off FaceTime, and stop being so willfully blind.
HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU: learn it, know it, live it. Sorry, but harsh truth time: This guy is just playing you and doesn’t even like you all that much if you’ve only hooked up twice in a year. My 6-week theory on men: A man will make it clear that he is falling in love with you WITHIN THE FIRST 6 WEEKS of meeting you; otherwise, it will NEVER happen. You can wait around longer if you like, but it’s a waste of time 100 percent of the time, in my observation.
This is far from normal attachment behavior on his part and I would take a look at yourself as to why you are tolerating it for so long. You should expect more for yourself. Your connection, as great as it may be to you, has simply not been enough for him to push past whatever his issues are, and I think you’ve spent enough time waiting on this.
If you’ve only hooked up twice in a year, he ain’t the one.