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Q. I’ve been with my girlfriend since I was 18 (we’re both 28 now). I love her so much. After a big fight where I went too far (kicked her out of our house), I apologized and told her I want to be back together. She replied that she doesn’t know what she wants — which seems like a weird answer. I know we shouldn’t ignore the fight and act like nothing happened, but at least she should know that she wants to be back with me, right? The fight was about a suspicion of mine that she was doing something dodgy. In general, we rarely fight. Where do we go from here? What should I tell her?
A. You kicked your girlfriend out of the house. That means she doesn’t have to know anything right now.
She might be worried that future fights will lead to the same ugly place. Or maybe she had issues with the relationship before all of this, and now she’s taking some time to think about whether she wants to return. She can love you without knowing whether she wants to be with you. She’s probably wondering whether the two of you have the kind of love that fuels a thoughtful, happy, respectful relationship. Ask her if you can talk about her concerns. When you have that conversation, really listen. Do not pressure her for final answers or a plan.
“She replied that she doesn’t know what she wants – which seems like a weird answer.” Really? You really think that’s a weird answer? Do you know what I think is weird? That after blowing your top and throwing her out of the house, you think that “she should know that she wants to be back with me.”
You kicked her out of the house? For being upset that you falsely accused her of “doing something dodgy”? After 10 years I think you owe her a little more respect than that. The fact that you couldn’t muster any is probably what’s keeping her away.
Conflicts from time to time are inevitable and this is not necessarily a bad thing. But there is never any excuse for throwing your woman out of her house. At a minimum now she knows that while you don’t fight often, when you do, you fight dirty. And you don’t seem to grasp that you’ve done something very bad for which you deserve to feel guilty. This is not something that decent mature men do.
I think he needs to elaborate more on the “kicking her out of the house” situation. Did he ask her to go stay at a friend’s/family’s place until things cooled down, or did he change the locks and throw her crap on the sidewalk?
Maybe she’s realized that this relationship isn’t going anywhere. Ten years and she’s still just a girlfriend.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re really sorry. I mean, I think you’re sorry for upsetting her, but I don’t think you truly think you were wrong. If you did, you wouldn’t be so flabbergasted by the idea that she doesn’t know what she wants.
Bear in mind that big things like this usually make one or the other person now look at all the “small” things that they may have overlooked or taken for granted in the past. And now they won’t.
At this point, it doesn’t matter what you tell her. Nothing will repair this. The only reason you want to know what to tell her is so you can manipulate her into coming back to you. I get the notion that the reason you “rarely fight” is because she has bent herself in pretzels the past 10 years keeping you happy. I bet the best thing you ever did for her was kick her out. Now she can move on from you and your suspicions, distrust, and bad temper.
I don’t know dude. You kick me out of the house I wouldn’t come back either.