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Tally ho, Weekenders! Let me just say that I really, really appreciate you even glancing the Weekender’s way this week, considering everything you’ve got going on before the big day. I know you’ve got outfits to pick out, teabags to steep, cakes to make, and some big messy tears to shed as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle tie the knot and assume their ultimate forms as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, and the world, for some reason, embraces it with near-swooning levels of caring.
Harry’s been on my bad side since I learned his name was actually Henry — what else are you hiding, Hank?! — so as much as I’d love to see St. George’s Hall bust out into the whitest performance of the Electric Slide in recorded history, I didn’t even get up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday for my own wedding. So apologies Hank and Meg, but that’s a no. (You can give my salmon to Willow and Whisper.)
Instead, my weekend will be spent indulging in my own royally crammed program of events (see below). I may also devote some time to learning to copy the Queen’s signature (which is right there on the Instrument of Consent) so that I might channel some of Her Grace’s grace into my own hand, and possibly buy a jet-ski.
What were we talking about? Oh yes! The weekend. About that . . .
QUIPS AHOY: If the whole royal wedding thing just grinds your gears because [unintelligible muttering] they all just seem so smug and self-satisfied: Hey, relax you. It’s just a wedding. If you really want to get aggravated by actual weapons-grade smug, might I recommend “Deadpool 2”? “Recommend” might be the wrong word. “If you can go along for the ride, especially in a crowded and jacked theater, it can feel like a contact high,” writes Globe film critic Ty Burr in his 2½-star review of the smarmiest franchise in the Marvel Universe. “If you can’t — if the sound of self-congratulatory self-consciousness wears you out after 15 minutes or so — it’s just sort of depressing, like going to a circus that keeps boasting about how stupid it is.” Still, if you dig snippy one-liners, Ryan Reynolds, Josh Brolin, Zazie Beetz, and Julian Dennison are like a high-octane “Golden Girls” — plus lycra and minus cheesecake. (I’m not really selling this, am I?) Now screening!
BEING FRANK: Also in theaters this week, and anointed three stars by Burr, is “Pope Francis: A Man of His Word,” a new documentary on the globe-trotting pontiff from director Wim Wenders that Burr praises as “an essay in radical humility capable of moving a viewer regardless of his or her religious persuasions, or lack thereof.” Following Pope Francis as he circles the globe to meet with impoverished and suffering people (“refugees in Greek camps, children in a Central African Republic hospital, victims of a Philippine typhoon, inmates at a Philadelphia correctional facility”) the film offers a close-up view (with some glaring blind spots) of a leader of outsize symbolic power, whose “job is to represent all outsiders and to make the insiders uncomfortable.” Now screening.
WAYNE’S WORLD: Daytime TV dealmakers are well acquainted with Wayne Brady, the Emmy-winning host of “Let’s Make a Deal.” But Brady is also a Broadway force, having performed in “Chicago,” “Kinky Boots,” and most recently the role of Aaron Burr in the Chicago production of the blockbuster “Hamilton.” (You can also hear him as Harold McBride on Nickelodeon’s “The Loud House,” which you more than half-watch with your kids.) On Saturday night, Brady makes a stop at The Wilbur to remind you that he’s also a talented comedian. Grab tickets here.
BELLY LAUGHS: Elsewhere in the chortling arts, let me direct you to Laugh Boston this weekend, where the lovably schlubby (my description, not his brand) comedian Sean Patton settles in for one set on Friday night and two on Saturday. Patton is a giver, a sharer. So come ready for his unique brand of endlessly listenable, full-disclosure comedy; although if you want to hear the story about the lady with the tipped-over fridge and the bricks of ramen noodles and the Roman candles and the Casper the Friendly Ghost masks, he’s not technically allowed to tell it, so you’ll have to hear it here — and find tickets here.
BY GEORGE: Ballet fans should leap at the chance to see Boston Ballet principal dancer John Lam, who steps to the fore in the company’s “Classic Balanchine” program, a tribute to the works of George Balanchine. Lam will appear in “Prodigal Son” (set to a score by Prokofiev) as well as “Stravinsky Violin Concerto” and the company premiere of “Chaconne.” That’s onstage at the Boston Opera House through June 9. Find tickets and full program information here.
OOHS AND OZ: Meanwhile, ease on down the road to the Lyric Stage and you can experience the opening weekend of “The Wiz.” In the hands of director Dawn M. Simmons, music director Allyssa Jones, and choreographer Jean Appolon, this soulful Tony-winning workover of “The Wizard of Oz” brings down the house with an extra dash of Creole flavor — imagine the intersection of the yellow brick road and Bourbon St. The show opens Friday and runs through June 24, but this weekend’s dates are selling out so fast, true friends of Dorothy (here played by Salome B. Smith) should grab tickets now; just click three times and wish. (I’m being figurative. You need to buy them.)
TORAH STORY: So stuffed with one liners (“overstuffed, really”) is Seth Rozin’s latest play, “Two Jews Walk Into a War . . .,” that the Globe’s Don Aucoin suggests “it could be retitled ‘The Odd Couple Goes to Afghanistan,’ or maybe ‘The Borscht Belt, Central Asia Precinct.’ ” But the “exemplary performers” Jeremiah Kissel and Joel Colodner, who play the last two Jewish residents of Kabul, “negotiate the play’s transitions from all-out absurdity to sober awareness of the tragedy of life as if both conditions were one and the same.” Directed by Will LeBow and presented by New Repertory Theatre, this “Vaudeville” is on stage at the MainStage Theater at Mosesian Center for the Arts through May 20. Grab tickets here.
CART BLANCHE: For his immersive museum-wide performance “MEEM4 Boston: A Story Ballet About the Internet,” artist Ryan McNamara and an ensemble of 13 dancers combine music, multimedia, and a sweeping range of movement (from contemporary dance and ballet to weirdo YouTube clips) into an “inventively staged physical realization of our virtual experience.” Hang onto your seats. That’s real advice, as the performance also involves you getting wheeled around the place in a special chair. (Please do not bring your “Internet chair” from home. That is a personal request. From me.) You can experience “MEEM 4 Boston” Friday and Saturday at the Institute of Contemporary Art. More info here.
OR STAY IN! Seriously, who am I kidding? THEY’RE SO IN LOVE! Her poor dad! Look at this tiny princess! While I was dead serious up there about sleeping through the arrival of guests to Windsor Castle (4:30 a.m. on Saturday) as well as the wedding (7 a.m.), my DVR will be in attendance. But for those of you who need to be there (in spirit), here are all the ways to watch it on screens big and small. Should you also fancy (verb) fancy (adj.) hats, the Globe also has a guide to whipping together a jolly-decent last-minute royal nuptials party. In the meantime, I’ll be telling my friends who care even less about this all about Meghan Markle’s exceptional penmanship, and the couple’s organic lemon elderflower cake, and dragging them to Dunkin’ for a promotional heart-shaped donut that looks like it’s been shanked in the side.
Elsewhere in young royalty, we have the exquisite indie-rock queen-in-training that is Courtney Barnett. “Nearly every song on the new Courtney Barnett album has something to recommend it,” says Matthew Gilbert of “Tell Me How You Really Feel” — which she does whilst strangling a guitar in her signature way. Now that would be a good wedding band, Hank.
And that, Your Weekending Majesties, is all I’ve got under the crown for you this week. However you spend your weekend, make it one you’ll miss come Monday. See you next week!
[Flourish of horns]Michael Andor Brodeur can be reached at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.